Our choices create our reality. I manifested one of the most out of control problems in my body to understand that I had the power to create my body and my life. What was this choice I made that actualised an autoimmune disorder in my body at age 30? When I was asked this question by my facilitator I was almost irritated. I couldn’t even understand the question properly. I was defensive and annoyed. I only dared to look at this question when the doctors suggested that there is no cure for this illness and you won’t be able to do a lot many things from now on. I had to take a deep dive within myself to change what can only be termed as miraculous in this reality.

It is true when they say that necessity forces you to look for possibilities. I explored alternative healing but with a tad bit of scepticism. I came from a scientific background and a family of doctors. How could I possibly believe in ‘pop psychology’ or ‘energy healing’ without proof? It was much later that I realised how much of my arrogance blocked what all I could receive and benefit from this form of healing. I nervously took one session of regression therapy. It didn’t reduce the pain as much as I expected but it opened an entire hidden inner world I was operating from unconsciously. I was dumbfounded. I didn’t even know it existed. It was a world of subdued memories, fantasies, mysteries, stories, judgements, projections and more. I began to understand how my childhood beliefs were creating my reality – not just my body, but my relationships, financial situation, career and so on.

My pain began to intensify. I was bed-ridden for 3 months. I couldn’t understand how this healing was working, if at all, when my situation was getting worst. I thought I had discovered most of the reasons for my illness. However, I kept going. A very faint little voice in my head asked me to look for more. I explored several other healing modalities. My condition would get better and then worse again. There was a full swing motion going on in my life. It was entertaining and occupying to say the least. Once I was bored of the trauma and drama and the money I was spending on sessions, I finally began asking the right questions with the help of my therapists.

It took an army of therapists, not just one, to get me to comprehend what it means to make a choice. Choice is not about selecting right from wrong. It is about the willingness to have a different possibility from the one you are experiencing. So what choice did I make to create the autoimmune in my body? A choice to prove to the world, my family, colleagues, and friends that my life was not in my control. That I was helpless, hopeless and powerless. That I can’t do anything to change my life. No wonder I would get temporary relief and then be back on the bed again writhing in pain. Did I dare to take responsibility for my choices? No. Did I want to commit to my life? No. Did I want to blame everyone and everything for it? Yes. My illness began to change, transmute and alter, the moment I acknowledged this about myself. I could finally begin asking the right questions: what is this? What can I do with it? How can I change this? From a space of power and control.

After this sense of awareness, any session, any body work, any medicines I would take, started having a profound effect on my body. My inflammatory attacks started becoming less frequent. My recovery time became less.. My pain became more manageable without any medication. I became better at communicating with my body about what it required. I learned more about body healing processes, body work, and communion with the body.

Within less than 6 months, my body was different. I couldn’t imagine walking for 5 min without the pain. Now, I was doing a 45-60 min walk without breaking a sweat. I could not even lift myself off the bed and here I was a year later, lifting 30 kgs weight in the gym, dancing, and sitting straight without back support.

It has been 4 years since and I have had zero attacks of inflammation in my spine or knees. For me, it wasn’t less than any magic. The only difference being, the magic here was My Choice.